a much needed update

i finally got my job transfer/promotion. i went from working at a chat-r kiosk to working at rogers head office. i had my first day yesterday and it was incredible. i was in the back room doing training videos all day but still, the fact that i was working at head office was like, way to go girl.
the campus has several cafeterias, a couple tim horton’s, and a variety store. there are street signs to help you navigate the ginormous place. annnd, my favorite perk: they have a gym! it’s $10 a month and comes directly off your pay. it’s actually a decent gym. the equipment is a little older but there’s lots to choose from. also, there’s free classes that come the employee membership. today i am going to go for a run and then do the “abs of steel” class.

in terms of how i’ve been doing with my eating disorder… i have been purging. i haven’t told anyone but camila (graisse-squelette). i think this is the reason that i haven’t stopped yet. i’ve been too ashamed to rat myself out to the people i know can help me. i need to swallow my pride and tell someone. but i always hate the look of disappointment or the days that follow where i’m watched like a hawk. 
i will probably be tracking my intake in a way for right now, just not as obsessively as before. i need to make sure i have a decent sized breakfast and eat well throughout the day because the purging always happens at the end of the night. i’ll be really hungry from the day and eat a normal meal but it will feel like i’ve eaten so much more. and it’s instant - i walk to the washroom knowing i’m going to purge. the lack of thought required this lapse is scaring me. i don’t even know what i’ve done until i’ve done it.

anyways, right now i’m eating peaches and blueberries and a lara bar for breakfast. i’m getting a coffee at work and perhaps a snack by the time i get there. i really need to turn things around for myself. 

i’m making a conscious decision to avoid meat from now on…

yesterday when i was making that kale chicken lentil soup, i had just rinsed the chicken breasts and put them in the pot to cook… then when i was pulling them out to cut into bite-size pieces, i noticed something on one of the breasts.

i kid you not, there were bits of the chickens organs and like tubes or whatever that shit was. it completely turned me off meat. i didn’t want to waste the soup i made so i had another bowl today but all i could think of was biting into organs. then i realized, the organs are as much a part of the chicken as the breasts are.

i’m not going to eliminate meat from my diet all together, but i will be making a conscious decision to avoid uncooked, raw meats. i feel more comfortable knowing that the meat has already been cleaned, prepped and cooked and there’s less of a chance for me to find some other nasty things in it. and i almost want it to be so obviously processed that there’s little meat in it because… i don’t know. i’m just grossed out.
i don’t know how long this will last for. maybe i just need some time to forget about that chicken. i honestly don’t know what i’ll do if i get turned off bacon… or cheeseburgers… like what kind of life will that be? 

a brief update

camping was a good time but i will admit i was kind of disappointed with our trip. our campsite was absolutely beautiful, but my sister kept getting on my nerves. she’s so much like my mom - she wants things done her way, she wants to control the situation, and she refuses to let anyone do anything outside of her plan. she let mitch  and i take her car around the private roads but she wouldn’t allow me to drive. either it was because she was being vengeful because i wasn’t taking her shit or she just thinks i’m a bad driver. granted mitch is an amazing driver but she’s never even been in the car with him, so i was offended by that.
anyways, we basically spent the weekend sitting in front of the fire, canoeing and fishing. and of course, eating. i’ve noticed that when i’m bored i switch to binge mode. i was constantly eating and that made the camping trip even more miserable. my eating disorder hasn’t been present at all but i guess that’s because i’ve been well distracted and keeping myself busy. purging came to my mind once when mitch wouldn’t walk to the washroom with me, but i didn’t. it was a thought and then it was gone. 
now, today’s my birthday. we’ll be going out for a bite to eat or something once my sister comes home. it doesn’t even feel like my birthday, but i guess that’s what happens as you get older. 

trying to keep up with this metabolism is exhausting.

not only has my metabolism returned to normal, but it’s increasing daily. i am officially one of those people who eats whatever i want without gaining weight. seriously guys, it’s way overrated.
the maximum i can go without food is four hours, otherwise my body feels as if i may aswell have been fasting for several days. i am constantly eating and we are officially out of groceries.

i disassociate a lot when i’m having a hard time… it’s gotten to the point where i’m broken, somethings wrong or somethings missing, but i can’t remember what was bothering me in the first place because i’ve done such a good job at pushing it out of my head. and now i’m left with this scattered mess of a brain and a heart that’s so torn but no place to even begin rebuilding things…

going camping june 7-10th

this is the campsite we reserved. right by the water for swimming, canoeing, fishing. i’m so excited to go; i want to leave today.

lola has an upper respiratory virus and infection

:( the poor baby. she was sick like this when we adopted her but the animal shelter said it was nothing to worry about. the vet said that this could be a re-occurring infection for the rest of her life, especially since she was the runt of the litter and is weaker. also, she’s not allowed to leave our room because she could spread the virus to the two other cats that we have. the vet actually suggested taking her back, despite how attached we are to her. so.. she gets treated at the animal shelter and possibly has a cold for the rest of her life so no one adopts her? or we keep her, take good care of her, and give her a good life? yeah. not a hard decision there.

my sisters boyfriend ate two boxes of cookies today. one in each sitting. but he refuses to eat white bread because “it’s not good for you.” what??? the cookies were made with white flour. just because the chocolate made them look brown does not mean that they’ve magically become whole wheat cookies.
the last time we got fast food, he threw away the white bun and ate the insides. and when i asked him what he was doing, he said, “white flour is incredibly bad for you.” 

i choose to eat whole grain bread because i like the texture of the seeds. i like that it adds its own components to a sandwich. but if i go into a store and there’s two options: a sandwich i don’t care for but it’s on whole wheat bread or a sandwich i really enjoy that’s on white, i’ll choose the white bread. i am so frustrated by his subliminal shaming. he has no idea what healthy, balanced eating is and he should not be preaching to me in the first place because that’s not his role.

/extremely frustrated. 

lola’s ready for her first trip to the vet. she isn’t too fond of her collar and leesh though but it’s adorrrable. :)

$202 later and i have new workout gear. :) new nike kicks, new nike pro sports bra, new nike drifit socks, a nike water bottle and a jump rope! all yellow and black to coordinate whilst working out which is obviously a necessity.